One of the greatest challenges I’ve faced, in dealing with a chronic illness, is accepting that, sometimes, I need to ask for help. For my entire nursing career, I was the one giving and doing for others, and now I’m learning to step aside and letting others do for me.
It’s hard giving up, not only my independence, but the
control that goes with it.
A number of years ago I bought a cane, when my balance
became an issue. It didn’t leave the car. I’m stubborn, and didn’t want to give
in to my disease, until…. The following is an essay I wrote that clarified the
issue for me.
Writing everything down after this ‘fall’ gave me better
understanding, but like I said, I’m stubborn. It was awhile after the incident
below that I finally gave in, or got smart, whichever way you want to look at
it, and actually took the cane out of the car.
A STORY OF CANE AND
ABLE
I could
feel the heat of the summer sun. It seemed to drain my energy with every step.
I needed to concentrate; left, right, left, right...to concentrate on walking,
as if my legs and feet wouldn't know what to do if I didn't cue them.
One block,
only one more block. I was wandering all over the sidewalk. Only if I ran my
hand along the store fronts could I stay relatively straight. When it became more
crowded I'd stop and look in the store windows. I didn't want to bump into
anyone or have anyone bump into me and knock me off balance.
Finally,
the bank. Standing at the teller's counter, I could feel her watching me. I
must have looked rough as she asked if I was alright. I needed to get home, to
get out of the heat and rest.
I cut
through the back parking lot to get to my car. I was hot and sweaty, my vision
blurred, my legs weak and uncoordinated.
“Damn speed
bump!”. I hadn't been going fast at all
and the speed bump stopped me flat. I
tripped and fell hard, road burns to my hands and knees, and the pain, pain in
my knees, pain in my shoulder and pain in my hands. I was so self conscious and
embarrassed. With my already 'bad' knee I had difficulty getting up from the
ground without a chair or some kind of support, and there I was, weak and
injured, sitting in a wide open parking lot.
Very
quickly there were strangers around me, those people who'd seen me fall and
those whose curiosity had drawn them near. It was difficult getting up, even
with the help of others.
Go away!
Go away and leave me alone! Help
me!
One kind
soul seemed to sense my discomfort and led me to her car. She drove me to where
my car was parked and saved me further embarrassment and discomfort. I had
overdone it. Walked too long, too far and on a day that was too hot.
Had I used
my cane would I have been better able to walk straight, without so much energy
spent in maintaining my balance? I've had the cane but it has never been taken
out of the car. I feel awkward with it, but would I look as awkward with it, as
I looked staggering along without it?
How did I
look? Did onlookers think I was inebriated? Did shop owners think I was
loitering with the intention to steal? If I'd had the cane would someone have
held the door for me, or given me space so as not to unbalance me?
As my
Multiple Sclerosis is basically invisible I feel the use of the cane draws
attention to me. I've learned to use
whatever is available to help maintain my balance and to walk a straight path. I
use walls, store displays, benches, whatever is handy. I use shopping carts
like they’re a walker, for support so I can walk farther and longer. With a
cart I can rest momentarily by leaning on it and so reduce my fatigue.
With the cart
I can walk a straight line. I am protected because the space immediately behind
the cart is 'my' space. I don't get caught up in the crowd, subject to other
people's movement that might require a responding move on my part. I can't move
suddenly or quickly and maintain balance. I tend to avoid crowds where I might
be jostled, especially if I have no hand hold to steady me.
Over the
last few years I have subconsciously changed my shopping habits and now rarely
shop where there is no cart available. I rarely go to the mall to shop and
though I miss the variety, the wide open walkways and the crowds intimidate me.
I avoid downtown
for the similar reasons. The sidewalks are crowded and not as wide as the walk
ways at the mall. If I want a store across the street it's more walking, to
cross at the intersection, as jaywalking is dangerous, on the chance I might
have to suddenly hurry to avoid traffic.
And then
there's the parking. At both the mall and downtown the walk to the actual shopping
area can be long enough to be fatiguing, and I've avoided getting a handicap
parking permit the same way I've avoided the cane. At least in a plaza setting
I can park close to the store I want and avoid the long walks and crowds of the
mall or downtown. My steps are hesitant and irregular especially over uneven
surfaces. I have an increased sense of vulnerability and a fear of falling. Large
chain stores that offer a variety of goods and services are my salvation. I can
do most of my shopping with one stop.
My fear of giving in to the cane is
just denial. I'm avoiding the truth, that on some days, I need some assistance.
The cane is a common sense tool. I've not shown a lot of common sense in my
stubborn refusal to make use of something that could benefit me.
What is
that quote, something about pride going before a fall? It's time to make a necessary adjustment and
adapt to a new way of doing things. The cane doesn't have to be an always thing
but I need to admit that, on some days, I need the help. This way I won't push
myself doing too much and paying for it later.
A quick
trip to the store in the morning, when I'm rested, may be managed
independently. On an afternoon when I'm tired, I'd be glad of the support. It's
a matter of knowing me and knowing my limitations.
I have to
go out and do some errands. As its late afternoon I'll miss my nap and I'll be
tired. So it's a perfect day to take the cane out of storage. Maybe I'll even
venture out to the Department of Motor Vehicles and check into a Handicap
Parking Permit.
* * *
In update, I did get the Handicapped Parking
Permit, and used it cautiously, the cane stayed in the car.
One day a friend and I went to a cottage country outdoor art
show. Parking was quite a distance away, and she suggested I park in the
handicapped parking, right near the entrance. I started to pull into the
parking lot and was stopped at the gate by a volunteer. Even when I showed him
my permit, he looked skeptical.
And why not? We were two middle aged women, in apparent good
health, laughing and enjoying our day. By all appearances, my illness wasn’t
overt, nor was my friend’s asthma, which would have made walking a long
distance difficult.
We could see the man watching as we parked. I flippantly
said “I’ll limp and make it look good”.
She answered “Use your cane”.
And so I did.
I think one reason I hesitated to use the cane was the
public declaration it made. I was not perfect, (like that had ever really been
my reality, but you know what I mean), I had an illness.
This was my public persona, and my public persona was
presenting as a person…with a disability.
I think using the cane when out and about, away from home,
eased me into it. Part of my reluctance was that it felt awkward; trying to
manage cane, purse and whatever else I might need to carry.
I had one more excursion, to the St Jacob’s Farmers’ Market,
where I used the cane and found it invaluable.
I discovered something important on those days. People are
considerate of the cane, doors are held open, no one rushed me, and crowds gave
me space. My biggest fear in a crowd is getting knocked off balance and
falling. You know…the ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ syndrome.
I became comfortable with the cane so by the time I was
using around home I was prepared. When I met people I knew, who had never seen
me with the cane, their first question was always “What’s with the cane?” They
were expecting an easy answer, like I sprained my knee or something, and were
understanding when I explained.
I’ve conquered the cane; or ‘the stick’ as my grandson calls
it, and am now faced with another challenge. The walker. Walkers are steadier,
more like the shopping carts at the store, and they have a built in seat should
I get tired and need to rest.
I know I should get one, and I will. I’ll probably store it
in the car until I’m ready.
2 comments:
Do me a favour and get the walker. Paint it with racing stripes, impart your style on it and let it take you places where otherwise you'd dare not go. Yuck, sounding like the opening of Star Trek here! The mission statement obviously worked for the series, and so it should for you.
Cheers
Connie
I looked at walkers in the catalogue, they come in basic black, which is my favourite fashion colour.
I can use some of my hoarded fabric, ha ha ha, to make a carry all bag to attach.
I'll get one, especially if it has a cup holder. Do you know how hard it is to carry a Tim's coffee, and shopping bags, and walk with a cane?
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